Yesterday my 7-year-old stepson asked me a question:
“What are those dark things under your eyes?”
Ahh sweet children who tell you like it is.
“That’s how a grownup knows if they need more coffee”
I actually don’t mind the circles. They’re temporary and can be somewhat covered up.
And its an excuse for me to pour a second cup…..right?
Speaking of “stepson”. I’m working on something for all of you about-to-be step-parents out there, because its a world of its own! Stay tuned, it’ll be out this week! 🙂
I was debating for awhile on how to start this whole thing off. I went back and forth and started writing things and ended up deleting all of them because nothing seemed to fit for that first “Here I am and here is my blog” post.
Then last night happened.
First of all, I am 30 years old and have been happily married for almost two years. I have two stepsons, ages 7 and 11, a 5-month-old baby girl and then there’s Duke the family dog. The levels of crazy in our house vary anywhere from “laugh it off” all the way up to “want to gauge your eyes out with a spoon and chug wine straight from the bottle”. It really just depends on the day. I’m sure you can relate.
I heard all of the horror stories about babies while I was pregnant (thanks, world!) so I was pretty terrified when the hospital said “Ok, you can go home. Bye! Good luck!”. I was confident in the fact that my husband had done this twice before so I just kept telling myself he would know what to do. So far, baby girl has been fairly “easy” as I guess some would call it. She slept through the night pretty early on, cries when hungry, over-tired and/or gassy and eats like a champ. For a first time Mom who was scared to death, I am beyond grateful for all of these things.
I’m usually the one who gets up during the night if need be. I’m a light sleeper, a morning person and my husband works long hours so I don’t mind.
For some reason last night I just couldn’t hang.
Maybe it was because it was a string of a few rough nights, perhaps the weather is to blame, maybe I had things on my mind, maybe it’s that time of the month or I was just really overtired. I don’t know for sure but “Positive Polly” that my friends jokingly call me was not in the house last night.
It was just bad. If you’ve had a kid for 10 minutes you know how it can feel being up for the duration of the night. Some nights you feel like a total rock star and then on others you feel like your head is going to explode. Some nights they rock right back to sleep and others they suddenly become night crawlers that just will not go back to sleep no matter what you do. I waited until the point where BOTH baby and myself were about to have the tears flowing before I cracked and got my hubby involved. That sounds too nice, let me rephrase because I can’t make this sound like I went in quietly to gently wake up my husband. I walked into our bedroom at 3:45 am complete with crazy-mom-bun hair and hands on my head and pretty much yelled, “She’s driving me crazy!!!!”. Bless this man, he got up, probably figuring it was bad since that’s not a normal move on my part. He told me to go to sleep but in my crazy state of mind I was too wound up and thought for some reason I should fill him in on EVERY detail of the past 2 hours. I mean, its SUPER important he knows exactly how much she’s eaten and that her diaper is clean and she fell asleep when I rocked her in the chair but not on the couch and that I didn’t have a chance to wash the bottle yet and it’s still sitting on the counter and will smell horrible in the morning if we don’t clean it…….
Yea. I was in total mombie-psycho mode.
It was definitely the worst night I have had probably ever, even when you throw in the time my stepsons threw up all night like clockwork every 30 minutes or the first night we had Duke (definitely a future post). But, like all nights do, it ended, the sun came up and the coffee pot went off at 5:00 a.m. as usual (Thank you sweet Jesus for that!). I found my hubby had gotten himself back to the bed and my little girl was sound asleep on her blanket-covered boppy looking like a little angel.
Here’s the main point for all of this….
Before my husband left for work he asked me if I was ok and immediately the tears started coming and I blurted out a question that I am positive has crossed every mother’s mind at some point…
“Am I a good Mom?”
Now I don’t know many things for sure because I’ve learned in my 30 years so far that absolutely nothing ever goes as planned or turns out like you think it will. But, I can say one thing and one thing only for certain; I married the right man.
“What do you mean ‘Are you a good Mom?’. Of course you’re a good Mom. You’re the best Mom”.
“But”…((sobs))…”I got so frustrated and it’s not her fault she’s just a baby and I can usually handle it and I’m sorry I woke you up I think I’m just getting my period but its been a long few nights, but seriously who gets frustrated when it’s just a little baby….”
“Umm, try every single parent in the world! But the thing is, if you care about whether or not you’re a good parent, then guess what, you are.”
I love him. And the coffee he poured me after that. And the snuggles I got all morning from little.
Ladies. Being a Mom is hard. Being a Stepmom is hard. I hear you, I AM you!
So pour the coffee, stock up on the lavender and let’s do this Mom thing.
It’s basically how I get through life at this point;
coffee. oil. repeat.
And I want to share the crazy with you 🙂